SCENE I
Dan: I know this language! It's Old Dwarf tongue!
Arsenie: What does it say?
*Moonlight illuminates all the letters*
Dan: "Speak friend and enter."
Arsenie: Well, that should be easy. Minions! You know the drill!
*Minions sing Dragostea Din Tei to the door*
(10 minutes pass)
(Yes, the door is still closed)
(Well, what were you expecting? :P)
Elrond: Damnit! Our theme song failed!
Faramir: Does everyone here have an IQ of 70? It's a riddle, stupids!
Dan: Ohhhhhhh
Arsenie: Speak "friend" and enter. Yeah, how could we miss that?
Elrond: You were too distracted by the beauty of Dragostea Din Tei. Learn to focus the force, young padiwan.
Arsenie: Huh?
Dan: What's a padiwan?
vElrond: Shut up and open the door! Behind this door is a 10-speaker stereo!
Arsenie: REALLY?
Dan: We'll work all night for that stereo!
Elrond: Well get to it then!
Dan: *Walks up to the door* PRIETEN!
(Door of Moria remains closed)
(Again)
Arsenie: Are you mad? It's obviously Latin! AMICUS!
Dan: AMIGO!
Arsenie: AMICO!
Faramir: It's Arabic, fools!
Arsenie: No! It's Greek! φίλοσ!
Faramir: You dumbass! It's ARABIC! الصاحبي عضو من جماعة المهتزين!
(The door is still closed)
(Are they stupid or what?)
Faramir: It must be Aramaic!
Dan: Stop! I got an idea! It's runic! *Speaks Ancient Celtic*
Faramir: No, it IS Aramaic! *Pulls out hidden wand* Avada Kedavra!
*The door remains closed*
Dan: And you are the smart one, Faramir!
(Everyone starts laughing)
Arsenie: *Grabs Faramir's wand* I told you it's Latin! EXPELLIARMUS!
Dan: *Rolling on the ground laughing his ass off* Oh.... My.... God! *Goes into hysterical laughter*
Faramir: That's my wand, R-tard! *Grabs wand* STUPEFY!
Gandalf: *Under breath* You mean "stupidify".
Faramir: Yeah, exactly! STUPIDIFY!
*George Bush appears out of nowhere*
Bush: And as I was telling you Connie.... WTF?
Gandalf: Am I the only genius in Middle Earth?
Bush: I managed to piss off the American public and not get assassinated. Now my friend, THAT'S genius!
Gandalf: Out of my way, houseplant. *Pushes Bush to the side*
Bush: I'M THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!
Galdalf: Well, fuck you. Guys, the password is mellon.
Bush: *Pushes Gandalf to the side* Melon!
Gandalf: Are the rumors all true?
Sam: Yep.
Gandalf: This fourth age sucks. You do me a favor and marry a smart girl, Sammy. "MELLON!"
(The Doors of Moria open)
(About time, too)
Arsenie & Dan: Our stereo! *Charges inside*
Elrond: Now I can finally get my very own mithril necklace. *Walks inside*
Sam: I'll go anywhere for Dragostea Din Tei! *Walks inside*
Minions: Follow the masters.....
Gandalf: Stay here, retard. You'll be eaten by a giant, ravenous octopus.
Bush: Huh?
Gandalf: *Walks through the Doors of Moria and causes another cave-in*
Back to Act VIII
Contents
On to Act X