You know you play too much Morrowind when...

Collected by myself from various sources on the Internet

You know you play too much Morrowind when...

1. Despite your best efforts to insulate the two-year-old from this game, he shouts out at the grocery store "Behind you, behind you, people comin', people comin', DIE, DIE, DIE"!
2. You get stung by a wasp, "Ha! I have 75% poison resistance! YOU CANT POISON ME!!!"
3. You run and jump every time you go outside your house. (guilty)
4. You spam the Elder Scrolls forums (or other Morrowind-related forums) with ash poetry.
   ...you spam non-ES forums with ash poetry. (guilty)
5. You kill someone and tell the cops, "What? I don't need him for the MQ."
6. You refer to the car as a silt strider.
7. You recognize flowers in real life as Gold Kanet, Heather, Black Anther and so on.
   ...and stare at them, wondering why the attributes aren't showing up.
   ...and think it's because your alchemy skill isn't high enough.
8. You look up at the corner of your eye expecting to see a map of where you are.
9. You have considered quick saving in case an idea didn't work out. (guilty)
10. You look at people and expect to see their name pop up.
11. You have read Phaedrus the Blind's book "The Compleat Alchemist." (guilty)
    ...you memorized it.
12. You watch the weather channel for ash storms.
13. You never stop looking up and listening for cliff racer calls.
    ...you think you hear a cliff racer behind you right now.
14. You have nightmares about Uncle Crassius.
15. You spend 18 hours playing, face plant dead asleep into the keyboard and don't wake up in time to realize that the character you were "driving" ran into a canal and drowned.
16. You refer to the President (or Prime Minister, or King, or...) as King Helseth.
    ...and wonder why King Helseth is so pale. (Or so dark, if he happens to be black.)
17. You never sit down.
    ...and you have special pants for when you do want to sit down.
    ...and you refuse to wear them because it taints the glory of the vanilla Morrowind.
18. You chug soft drinks like there's no tomorrow before anything that requires extensive manual labor.
19. You think you can live your life without ever eating, drinking, using the bathroom, talking, sleeping, or even sitting.
20. You put your lunch in a blender and make "potions" to drink. (guilty)
21. You spray large beetles with fire extinguishers.
22. You have 2,479 mousetraps in and around your house.
23. You try to put shackles on lizards and cats and attempt to use them as slaves.
24. You wear a ring with a moon and star badly drawn on it. (guilty)
    ...you used to. Now you have paid a jeweler to make you a 24k gold ring with a diamond moon and star on it.
25. You want to pay the Morag Tong for a writ on your neighbor/wife/mother-in-law/etc.
26. You wonder why people run away and you got arrested if you walk in a city with a claymore or two... hey, how could they have noticed?
27. You randomly lay down and take a nap after ANY physical activity.
    ...usually on the floor, because you refuse to sleep on anything other than your own bed for fear of being raped by Ordinators.
28. You eat marshmallows to treat paper cuts.
29. You carry a bag of bread with you everywhere you go in case you get tired.
    ...and stay up for 3 days straight off said bag of bread.
30. You see a cop and instantly confess everything you've ever done in hopes of reducing your fine.
31. You wonder why neither your local pharmacy nor health food store carry potions of cure common disease.
32. You go to the local bar, slap 10 coins on the table and ask for a bottle of matze.
33. You wonder why you catch bass instead of slaughterfish.
34. You put scrib jelly on your toast.
35. You go to the local pound and adopt a Nix-hound.
36. You grind jewelry and mix it with spinach in order to make an invisibility potion.
37. You stand in a single place for hours in your underwear because "a witch cast paralysis on you."
38. You are terrified of seafood restaurants due to traumatic experiences with the Morrowind sea life.
39. You pay 20 bucks for a leather belt covered in glitter because your "friend" tells you that it is enchanted with levitate.
    ...and jump off a house wearing said belt.
    ...and chug 20 protein shakes on the way to the hospital.
40. You pay a priest 50 bucks to heal your blight disease.
41. You poke statues, expecting them to start talking.
42. You think sugar is illegal because it's a drug.
43. You buy a blue candle and light it, expecting a blue light to fill 1/4 of your room in a very neat fashion, stopping in a straight line at the two halfway lines.
44. You decorated your room to make it look like a Daedric shrine. (I will do this someday...)
    ...and you've trained your lizard to attack anyone who intrudes.
45. You try to electrify people by pointing at them. (guilty)
46. You call beer "sujamma." (guilty)
    ...and drink it, and try to lift heavy objects above your head.
47. You're walking to the store late one night. Kind of urban/rural area and there are no streetlights. All of a sudden there's this crashing in the brush nearby. You whirl around, go in to the "praying dog" stance of a mage getting ready to throw a big fireball and wonder if it's a kagouti or a guar. You know it's the wrong kind of terrain for an alit.
48. You ask yourself "what magical properties should tea have?" every time you make a cup of tea. (guilty)
    ...and you think to yourself "one more cup of tea and I'll increase my alchemy level again!"
49. You tell people: "Praise Vivec!"
50. You tell Morrowind jokes. (guilty)
    ...that aren't funny at all.
    ...that don't even make sense, but you love them cos they're Morrowind.
51. You tell Morrowind riddles.
    ...that don't make any sense to people who don't know about the bizarre coincidence that the Dragon Break started on the same day as Caius Cossades's great great grandmother was born.
52. You make a Morrowind costume for Halloween.
53. You write things in Daedric. (guilty... yeah, so what if I taught myself Daedric?)
    ...including checks.
    ...and expect people to be able to read it. (guilty)
54. The neighbors complain about your pillow fort.
55. You wonder why it isn't raining on your covered patio.
56. You yell "You N'WAH" at people when they cut you off in traffic. (guilty)
57. You call drug addicts "skooma addicts." (guilty)
58. You enjoy the taste of bonemeal.
    ...you've even TRIED bonemeal.
59. You kill a rat and try to sell its meat to the local Wal-Mart.
60. You think you can make a house out of a giant mushroom. (Salaa is convinced you can...)
61. You make sure to close every single door behind you for the express purpose of saving filespace.
62. You think that if something's in a crate on someone's porch, it's fair game.
63. You burn the ambient music tracks to a CD, and sync so that the music changes when you enter a different part of town on your way to work.
64. M'Aiq's birthday is marked on your calendar. SOMEDAY you're gonna get to that island!
65. You say "by the Nine Divines" instead of "oh my god." (guilty)
    ...and pray to the Nine every day.
66. You refer to insanity as a Bitter Mercy.
67. You try and desecrate cemeteries in hopes of getting phat lewt.
68. If you see a man running towards you on the street, you think he's attacking, and God you're frightened! (guilty)
69. You are running and get tired and you say: "I need a restore fatigue potion!"
70. You refer to all midgets as "Fargoth."
71. You say "welcome friend, hail" to your friends. (guilty)
    ...and call them n'wah scum when they don't get it.
72. You see someone die and you think it's perfectly normal and healthy to start looting his corpse of everything, including his clothes.
73. You strip down to your underwear to force someone to talk to you.
    ...and understand what that has to do with Morrowind. (guilty)
74. You go into a volcano looking for Dagoth Ur.
75. You join the Army and expect to get a piece of chain armor.
76. You crouch down, using Stealth, and walk in plain sight to try to shoplift.
    ...you wonder why your Amulet of Shadows isn't working as mall security takes you back to a holding cell.
77. You wave your hands around your face, then try to walk across water.
78. You call a black guy a redguard. (guilty)
79. You try to figure out your stats. (guilty)
80. You get mad at someone and call them a s'wit. (guilty)
81. You put a cat suit on and put "the liar" at the end of your name.
82. You look outside on a nice, clear, sunny day and think, "wow, someone must have downloaded a new texture pack!"
83. Your friend gets struck by lightning and you say: "Oh my god, a mage is using shock spells!!"
84. When you drop the item you stole when the cops are catching up to make them stop.
85. You cannot sleep for fear of the Dark Brotherhood attacking you.
86. You go into the wolf den at the zoo because you want to be a werewolf.
87. You tell your grandmother to bite your neck so you can be a vampire.
88. You hop on insects and say, "TAKE ME TO WORK!!"
    ...when the insect is squished, you freak out and tell everyone you found a glitch that lets you kill silt striders.
89. You charge into a cemetary with a hammer yelling, "by the Nine Divines, grant me the power to destroy these creatures of evil!"
90. You go outside looking around for falling midgets with silly hats.
91. You start walking like the beast races. (guilty, but not like constantly)
92. You call your boss Serjo or Sera. (guilty)
93. You shout, "DON'T LEAVE ME, CAIUS!" when a friend moves away.
94. You call a tall bully a stupid Nord barbarian.
95. You ask the cashier "do you take drakes?"
96. You think a person's punches won't connect because their Hand to Hand skill is too low.
97. You think putting on running shoes will blind you.
98. You think that the voices in your head are actually Sheogorath telling you to do stuff.
    ...you start talking to Sheogorath in public.
    ..."Sheogorath" and the names of the other Daedra princes are in your Microsoft Word dictionary. (guilty)
99. You start quoting Dagoth Ur and others in real-life conversations. (guilty)
100. You have more than one copy of the paper map hung on the wall right near each other.
101. You carry a sword outside without thinking about it.
102. You think about that time you got killed by Umbra when you are working out to gain more motivation.
103. Whenever someone talks about dwarves being short and fat, you scream at them and say, "THEY'RE DWEMER, NOT DWARVES, AND THEY'RE NEITHER SHORT NOR FAT!" (guilty)
104. You see a cat with a collar run down the street and yell, "runaway slave!"
     ...you offered said cat transportation to the Argonian Mission in Ebonheart.
105. You put a spoon in the microwave in order to imbue it with fire damage.
106. When someone's chasing you, you run towards a swimming pool and turn away at the last minute hoping they'll fall in.
107. You answer the door "ah yes, we've been expecting you." (guilty)
108. Dogs begin barking outside and you run to the window thinking a sword fight is occurring.
109. You get locked out of your house and search your pockets for a lockpick. (guilty)
110. You pick up something too heavy and say: "I'm over-encumbered." (guilty)
111. You think mixing peppers and such in food will increase your alchemy skill.
112. You think you have to crouch to pickpocket someone.
113. You refer to dollars/pounds/euros/etc as drakes or septims.
114. You think murder is an offense punishable by only $1000 or 10 days in jail.
115. You refer to policemen as either Guards or Ordinators...
     ...but not in the same town.
116. When your grades drop you scream "but my intelligence level is 96!"
117. When you accomplish something big you think you should go to sleep and level up.
118. Police catch you and you try to resist arrest and get the crap beaten out of you.
119. You go out in the woods and search for dungeons/monsters/etc... (guilty)
120. All your dreams suddenly end because you wake up after a few dozen cliff racers suddenly show up.
121. When you see the word "matzo" and immediately think it'd be appropriate to point out that it's spelt matze. (guilty)
     ...you start to feel dodgy because you realize you don't know how it's pronounced. (guilty)
     ...you have to wonder if it's not made of CORN. Greef and shein are other great names for fictional alcoholic beverages, and the names describe the contents fairly well.
122. You think of your school/job as a guild with ranks in it. (guilty)
123. You hop into a taxi with your map of Vvardenfell, point to Gnisis and say, "take me here."
124. The local shop is out of bread so you wait outside the door for 24 hours and then go in and ask again.
125. You approach someone in the street, and continuously taunt them until they get fed up with it and attack you, and then you kill them and think you can get away with it because they attacked first!
126. You think about saving up to build a nice little house in Suran, but you really don't want to raise your kids next to a strip joint.
127. You start assigning people you know Elder Scroll races based on personality and skills, but then get confused when Auntie Mabel is a Bosmer, Uncle Bob is a Nord, and their child ends up being a Dunmer. (guilty)
128. You look at yourself in the mirror and think, "Damn. I really need to get that Better Bodies mod."
129. You look at the clothes in the closet and think, "Damn. I wonder when the next good clothing mod comes out."
130. Instead of asking for a pony, you ask for a guar.
131. You get frustrated because things aren't working right in real life, and you try to remember the console command to fix it.
132. You wonder if you can convince your family to go camping in the Grazelands.
133. You beat the game, then think, "I've saved the world! Why isn't everybody treating me a lot nicer?"
134. You walk along the river/pond/lake in the local park and wait for the battle music to start so you can hunt mud crabs and slaughterfish.
135. You try to pick up an item by pressing an imaginary spacebar. (guilty)
136. You try to go in third-person view.
137. You walk up to someone who doesn't like you, give them a compliment, then hand over 10 bucks, and ask them something personal.
138. You buy something expensive in a department store and try to offer up a sword and some pearls for barter, then try and bargain the price.
139. On a foggy day you wish you could turn up the view distance. (guilty)
140. You see a rat and wonder why it's so small.
141. When someone is mad at you, you ask them about "make amends."
142. Each time before you go into a room, you stand in front of the door and take a deep breath and think about "saving."
143. When you see a large worm, you're afraid it might spit green stuff at you.
144. You play it into the wee hours of the morning, go to bed, dream about it, wake up and can't remember what actually happened to your character and what happened in your dream.
145. You decide something is too hard so you try to turn down the difficulty slider.
146. You have a massive stack of papers with master trainers, console commands, locations of legendary items, etc. written on them. (guilty)
147. You try to enter the local sewers in search of the Dark Brotherhood.
148. Someone asks you for directions to the pharmacy and you refer them to to the Foreign Quarterlower waistworks in Vivec.
149. You try to take everything you find with you and sell it.
150. You ask people in the street if they offer training.
151. You wake up at night to go to the toilet and wonder where your Amulet of Night Eye is instead of turning on the lights.
152. li. You expect the shops to be open in the middle of the night like you're used to.
153. You check every door you open for traps.
154. You're constantly thinking about that fortify luck potion you saved when you're losing a game of Monopoly to your little brother.
155. If someone attempts to commit suicide by jumping from a building you shout: "Out of the way, I have a ranged slowfall spell!"
156. You touch something sticky and say "thick as guar sap"
157. You get done doing a massive glitch that increases your skills by the millions, then you stop playing and you see a buff guy and you wonder what glitch did he exploit?
158. You think the mall buildings are rented by the local church.
159. You invent sayings like "BY SEPTIM'S UNDERPANTS!!"
160. You're becoming paranoid about the rise of the mudcrabs...
     ...you know about the rise of the mudcrabs... (guilty)
161. You run around the city wearing nothing more than underpants and are surprised by the look on everyone's faces.
162. You see a Japanese tourist and say to them, "speak, Outlander." (guilty)
163. You realize that your 50 hammers just won't fit in your drawers.
164. You talk to someone and have everything you are going to say on paper in alphabetical order.
165. You're getting a visa for a different country and the minute they leave you alone, you steal everything in sight, including the personal note on the table.
166. You insist on calling every strip club a "house of earthly delights." (guilty)
167. You see someone jumping on a trampoline and you yell "Cheater! You don't need to set your superjump! There's a spell for that, y'know!"
168. You call your boss 'Fire-eyes.'
     ...but only when you're talking about him. Face-to-face, you call him "Serjo."
169. You mix mint leaves and eucaliptus with some water to create a Potion of Cure a Bad Cold.
170. You ordered some mead and a nice tankard from Skyr....ahem...England.
171. You wake up and think you see Dagoth Ur, Fargoth, Caius Cossades, or Azura standing over you.
172. You take a lock pick, poke a door with it, say "lock is too complex" by explanation, then pick up a book and try again.
173. Your Morrowind game isn't working so instead you read walkthroughs and wish you were playing. (guilty)
174. You've seen someone and thought "OMG HE/SHE HAS CORPRUS!!" (guilty...it was creepy too)
175. You think a normal-length book is waaayyy too long.
176. You steal your mother's necklace and go around trying to trap animals' souls in it.
177. Someone downtown bumps into you and you say "Mournhold, city of light, city of magic."
178. You go to the public library and see a woman in a purple dress, then you approach her and say "I have the Divine Intervention scroll for you."
179. You go around singing the song about the Udyrafrikte under your breath.
180. You go out in the snow at winter and try to find a cottage with a dead Khajiit outside.
181. You watch "Aladdin" with your little sister and wonder why the genie never smoked skooma with his lamp.
182. You named your son after Caius.
183. You named your son after Jiub, Rararyn Radarys, etc.
184. You amuse yourself when you're not playing the game by going to a public place and screaming that the Sixth House is rising, then taking off your clothes and start bonking people with a wooden mallet.

Got your own? I'd love to hear them! Feel free to send 'em to me at charlotte@gizmology.net and maybe I'll put them on the site.

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